Laptonapp is a god.

It takes the form of a thin, unthinking tapir.

Laptonapp created matter six quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Laptonapp, it will make you immortal.

If you do not believe in Laptonapp, it will be mildly annoyed.

Laptonapp's most sacred site is Ans in Denmark.

Laptonapp's Holy Commandments

1. Do not gather at bridges at midnight.

2. Do not drink from vessels made of base metals.

3. Always wear black.

4. Never think about spacetime near pigs while wearing purple skirts and balancing three aluminium spheres on your feet.

5. Never talk about chromosomes.