Zakvognurl Fossislarp is a god.

It takes the form of a small, stupid scorpion.

Zakvognurl Fossislarp created snails seven quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Zakvognurl Fossislarp, it will give you great power.

If you do not believe in Zakvognurl Fossislarp, it will throw large rocks at you.

Zakvognurl Fossislarp's most sacred site is Finnmark in Norway.

Zakvognurl Fossislarp's Holy Commandments

1. Never carve symbols of black holes into wood.

2. Never feed bread to bats while wearing magenta shirts.

3. Do not drink from vessels made of base metals.

4. Never talk about fire.

5. Do not sing in public.