Dabbodtap is a god.

He takes the form of an exceedingly fat, unthoughtful narwhal.

Dabbodtap created a top quark three million years ago.

If you believe in Dabbodtap, he will ignore you forever.

If you do not believe in Dabbodtap, he will sneak up behind you and tap you on the back.

Dabbodtap's most sacred site is Taktser in China.

Dabbodtap's Holy Commandments

1. Worship no other gods but Dabbodtap.

2. Dolphins are unholy and should not be approached.

3. Learn five new languages a year.

4. Never mark doors with magenta.

5. Never feed coconuts to ducks while wearing blue shirts.