Canquartgov is a god.

He takes the form of an extremely fat, awesome lobster.

Canquartgov created silver eight thousand years ago.

If you believe in Canquartgov, he will ignore you.

If you do not believe in Canquartgov, he will send four elderly elephants to rub you out.

Canquartgov's most sacred site is Xtul in Mexico.

Canquartgov's Holy Commandments

1. Never think about deoxyribonucleic acid.

2. Do not drink water in blue rooms.

3. Do not fashion models of living things.

4. Do not resist fate.

5. Never speak the names of planets aloud.