Pontin is a god.

It takes the form of an eight thousand metre long, two-faced cyclops-rhinoceros-snail.

Pontin created the universe eight quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Pontin, it will look favourably on your prayers.

If you do not believe in Pontin, it will cry a lot.

Pontin's most sacred site is Bogogobo in Botswana.

Pontin's Holy Commandments

1. Erect a giant pink sculpture of Pontin in the centre of the settlement.

2. Learn five new languages a year.

3. Never mix bread with blood.

4. Never approach mountains carrying stone.

5. Do not shelter from rain as it is holy.