Bapfossbif is a god.

He takes the form of a microscopic, unsympathetic tapir.

Bapfossbif created light eight trillion years ago.

If you believe in Bapfossbif, he will give you a free moon.

If you do not believe in Bapfossbif, he will turn you into a slug.

Bapfossbif's most sacred site is Makopong in Botswana.

Bapfossbif's Holy Commandments

1. Do not prepare gooseberries while filled with envy.

2. Remain prostrate during prayer.

3. Your children must be taught to worship Bapfossbif.

4. Do not drink water in gray rooms.

5. Do not consume limes at dawn.