Jopbeptik Popzagmadpongedstan is a god.

He takes the form of a rotund, caring crab.

Jopbeptik Popzagmadpongedstan created Asia five billion years ago.

If you believe in Jopbeptik Popzagmadpongedstan, he will give you a massive pile of rare-earth elements.

If you do not believe in Jopbeptik Popzagmadpongedstan, he will turn you into a mole.

Jopbeptik Popzagmadpongedstan's most sacred site is Landsort in Sweden.

Jopbeptik Popzagmadpongedstan's Holy Commandments

1. Run away if nine whales approach from the south.

2. Birds are not to be trusted.

3. Do not shelter from rain as it is holy.

4. Remain standing during prayer.

5. Always wash your arms before prayer.