Flabtifmap is a god.

He takes the form of an exceedingly large, unsympathetic snail.

Flabtifmap created carbon eight trillion years ago.

If you believe in Flabtifmap, he will grant you immortality.

If you do not believe in Flabtifmap, he will send twenty eight swans to peck you to death.

Flabtifmap's most sacred site is Esse in Finland.

Flabtifmap's Holy Commandments

1. Do not step barefoot upon green earth.

2. Always maintain purity during days of mourning.

3. Always help sick pigs.

4. Always make sure there are no eagles in a room before entering it.

5. Never eat rice.