Tarpkenbaf is a god.

He takes the form of a very large, awesome pig.

Tarpkenbaf created snails two years ago.

If you believe in Tarpkenbaf, he will give you a massive pile of rare-earth elements.

If you do not believe in Tarpkenbaf, he will attempt to scare you with hail.

Tarpkenbaf's most sacred site is Ulsted in Denmark.

Tarpkenbaf's Holy Commandments

1. Cucumbers are unclean and must never pass your lips.

2. Never think about optics.

3. Always pray in complete darkness.

4. Do not drink alcohol.

5. Do not drink from vessels made of earth.