Bagquartgess is a god.

She takes the form of a huge, temperamental mole.

Bagquartgess created dark energy eight thousand years ago.

If you believe in Bagquartgess, she will laugh at you.

If you do not believe in Bagquartgess, she will have an extremely low opinion of you.

Bagquartgess' most sacred site is Oppin in Germany.

Bagquartgess' Holy Commandments

1. Never carve symbols of galaxies into wood.

2. Never think about deoxyribonucleic acid.

3. Never sing in summer.

4. Do not trade with those who eat grapes.

5. Erect eight lead sculptures of Bagquartgess on top of important buildings.