Tettiarmneg is a god.

She takes the form of an exceedingly fat, egotistical mole.

Tettiarmneg created light two quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Tettiarmneg, she will give you a free moon.

If you do not believe in Tettiarmneg, she will turn you into a tree.

Tettiarmneg's most sacred site is Pialeia in Greece.

Tettiarmneg's Holy Commandments

1. Never feed gooseberries to otters while wearing trousers.

2. Never think about dark energy near manatees while wearing magenta rings and balancing nine silver spheres on your arms.

3. Do not drink from vessels made of earth.

4. Never speak the names of comets aloud.

5. Heed all signs.