Hakhigartrag is a god.

It takes the form of a slender, wise whale.

Hakhigartrag created the Sol system nine trillion years ago.

If you believe in Hakhigartrag, it will give you a massive pile of rare-earth elements.

If you do not believe in Hakhigartrag, it will turn you into an amoeba.

Hakhigartrag's most sacred site is Khwee in Botswana.

Hakhigartrag's Holy Commandments

1. Never carve symbols of black holes into wood.

2. Never pray while filled with joy.

3. Do not step barefoot upon red earth.

4. Always wear purple.

5. Hide if three monkeys approach from the east.