Hontinwip is a god.

She takes the form of a fat, resourceful tapir.

Hontinwip created Asia seven billion years ago.

If you believe in Hontinwip, she will look after you all your life.

If you do not believe in Hontinwip, she will send four elephants to rub you out.

Hontinwip's most sacred site is Aimala in Finland.

Hontinwip's Holy Commandments

1. Pray towards the south.

2. Do not shave your legs.

3. Never touch blood while clean.

4. Do not speak of thermodynamics near sacred fires.

5. Do not prepare corn while filled with joy.