Tapstaffar is a god.

It takes the form of an exceedingly large, overgenerous scorpion.

Tapstaffar created humanity five quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Tapstaffar, it will visit you to thank you.

If you do not believe in Tapstaffar, it will jump up and down on your head until it really hurts.

Tapstaffar's most sacred site is Vinezac in France.

Tapstaffar's Holy Commandments

1. Never feed figs to moths while wearing rings.

2. Do not eat grapes.

3. Do not speak sacred words in spring.

4. Always pray in complete darkness.

5. Never mix melons with blood.