Bodnaklam is a god.

She takes the form of a heavy, dishonourable walrus.

Bodnaklam created the world six million years ago.

If you believe in Bodnaklam, she will remain indifferent to you.

If you do not believe in Bodnaklam, she will turn you into a blue tit.

Bodnaklam's most sacred site is Nuorgam in Finland.

Bodnaklam's Holy Commandments

1. Do not speak sacred words in summer.

2. Always remove trousers before touching carbon.

3. Hide if five hamsters approach from the east.

4. Your children must be taught to worship Bodnaklam.

5. Always wear plain tights during rituals.