Futfedbep is a god.

She takes the form of a very heavy, tranquil jaguar.

Futfedbep created the universe nine trillion years ago.

If you believe in Futfedbep, she will remain indifferent to you.

If you do not believe in Futfedbep, she will turn you into a plant.

Futfedbep's most sacred site is Poloka in Botswana.

Futfedbep's Holy Commandments

1. Never pour water over plants.

2. Never talk about the weak nuclear force near badgers while wearing red hats and balancing five platinum spheres on your head.

3. Do not trade with those who eat cucumbers.

4. Your grandchildren must be taught to worship Futfedbep.

5. Never jump in holy places.