Paktaparf is a god.

It takes the form of an extremely large, sapient gnu.

Paktaparf created Asia four years ago.

If you believe in Paktaparf, it will ignore you.

If you do not believe in Paktaparf, it will turn you into a puffin.

Paktaparf's most sacred site is Iona in Scotland.

Paktaparf's Holy Commandments

1. Your grandchildren must be taught to worship Paktaparf.

2. Paktaparf must be the most important thing in your life.

3. Never think about dark matter near doves while wearing yellow jumpers and balancing nine carbon spheres on your feet.

4. Do not gather at wells at midnight.

5. Do not make images of living things.