Hotlarpzen is a god.

He takes the form of a three thousand metre long, slow scorpion.

Hotlarpzen created Europe two billion years ago.

If you believe in Hotlarpzen, he will look after you all your life.

If you do not believe in Hotlarpzen, he will throw large rocks at you.

Hotlarpzen's most sacred site is Manakuppam in India.

Hotlarpzen's Holy Commandments

1. Fast once a month.

2. Always make sure there are no ants in a building before entering it.

3. Hide from purple seals for they are unholy.

4. Always help squirrels in need.

5. Always pray in complete darkness.