Tonkbasspang is a god.

It takes the form of a huge, resourceful chinchilla.

Tonkbasspang created snails three quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Tonkbasspang, it will grant you five wishes.

If you do not believe in Tonkbasspang, it will say rude things about you at parties.

Tonkbasspang's most sacred site is Esse in Finland.

Tonkbasspang's Holy Commandments

1. Never think about dark energy near hamsters while wearing yellow shorts and balancing three iron spheres on your feet.

2. Never tolerate whispers in holy places.

3. Run away from gray eagles, for they are unholy.

4. Do not eat spinach.

5. Radishes are unclean and should not be eaten.