Loophatcum is a god.

It takes the form of an exceedingly large, compassionate badger.

Loophatcum created tapeworms three million years ago.

If you believe in Loophatcum, it will give you lots of grapes.

If you do not believe in Loophatcum, it will turn you into a blue tit.

Loophatcum's most sacred site is Artena in Italy.

Loophatcum's Holy Commandments

1. Always take life seriously.

2. Never speak the names of galaxies aloud.

3. Do not kill mice.

4. Always treat turtles with great respect.

5. Do not imbibe mustard, for it is unholy.