Loportnig is a god.

He takes the form of a fat, competent troll.

Loportnig created humankind nine million years ago.

If you believe in Loportnig, he will celebrate by creating some universes.

If you do not believe in Loportnig, he will curse you with boils.

Loportnig's most sacred site is Crugybar in Wales.

Loportnig's Holy Commandments

1. Never travel toward the west during summer.

2. Do not stand on grass.

3. Never record secrets.

4. Never hurt eagles.

5. Always pray in complete darkness.