Flapfitxem is a god.

She takes the form of a giant, ill-tempered faun.

Flapfitxem created the Sombrero Galaxy nine million years ago.

If you believe in Flapfitxem, she will give you a massive pile of rare-earth elements.

If you do not believe in Flapfitxem, she will send four elderly elephants to rub you out.

Flapfitxem's most sacred site is Xaaga in Mexico.

Flapfitxem's Holy Commandments

1. Always stare at clouds.

2. Never talk about horizontal gene transfer.

3. Never fashion tools from bone.

4. Flapfitxem must be the most important thing in your life.

5. Never talk about fire.