Som Fidhaptonwikarm is a god.

He takes the form of a six hundred metre long, grumpy seal.

Som Fidhaptonwikarm created parasitic wasps nine million years ago.

If you believe in Som Fidhaptonwikarm, he will celebrate by creating some universes.

If you do not believe in Som Fidhaptonwikarm, he will turn you into a rat.

Som Fidhaptonwikarm's most sacred site is Diebzig in Germany.

Som Fidhaptonwikarm's Holy Commandments

1. Never talk about quantum field theory near tapirs while wearing violet hats.

2. Erect a giant aluminium sculpture of Som Fidhaptonwikarm in the centre of the settlement.

3. Never talk about fire.

4. Never speak aloud of secrets.

5. Monkeys are not to be trusted.