Nurlmisstig is a god.

He takes the form of a galaxy-sized, emotional swallow.

Nurlmisstig created the universe eight thousand years ago.

If you believe in Nurlmisstig, he will look after you all your life.

If you do not believe in Nurlmisstig, he will hide angry, venomous snakes in your dwelling place.

Nurlmisstig's most sacred site is Denshawai in Egypt.

Nurlmisstig's Holy Commandments

1. Never eat bark.

2. Never think about dark matter near otters while wearing violet jumpers and balancing eight zinc spheres on your face.

3. Never speak of balance in the presence of elders.

4. Do not step barefoot upon pink earth.

5. Do not stand on grass.