Apptifren is a god.

It takes the form of a rotund, intelligent jaguar.

Apptifren created carbon seven trillion years ago.

If you believe in Apptifren, it will look favourably on your prayers.

If you do not believe in Apptifren, it will cry a lot.

Apptifren's most sacred site is Neravy in India.

Apptifren's Holy Commandments

1. Apptifren must be the most important thing in your life.

2. Never eat gooseberries.

3. Never bounce in winter.

4. Never feed parsnips to aardvarks while wearing hats.

5. Always keep your back turned to the east at sunset.