Ortjamlad is a god.

She takes the form of a six hundred metre long, omnipotent scorpion.

Ortjamlad created silver nine thousand years ago.

If you believe in Ortjamlad, she will grant your every wish.

If you do not believe in Ortjamlad, she will turn you into a puffin.

Ortjamlad's most sacred site is Olmarch in Wales.

Ortjamlad's Holy Commandments

1. Do not drink from vessels made of silver.

2. Ponytails are unholy and must not be worn.

3. Never sit in the presence of elders.

4. Always remove ear rings before entering holy places.

5. Never wear boots.