Lapnuldam is a god.

She takes the form of an exceedingly fat, ill-tempered pigeon.

Lapnuldam created matter three quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Lapnuldam, she will answer your prayers.

If you do not believe in Lapnuldam, she will turn you into a snail.

Lapnuldam's most sacred site is Yerakini in Greece.

Lapnuldam's Holy Commandments

1. Erect a giant brown sculpture of Lapnuldam in the centre of the settlement.

2. Never touch blood while tainted.

3. Do not place garlic upon stone.

4. Never adorn your back with indigo markings.

5. Do not kill horses.