Vonktettiquam is a god.

She takes the form of an eight hundred metre long, narcissistic giraffe.

Vonktettiquam created snails six billion years ago.

If you believe in Vonktettiquam, she will grant your every wish.

If you do not believe in Vonktettiquam, she will turn you into a hamster.

Vonktettiquam's most sacred site is Ringford in Scotland.

Vonktettiquam's Holy Commandments

1. Never allow mites to witness sacred rites.

2. Do not make images of living things.

3. Do not fashion tools from silver.

4. Always remove skirts before entering holy places.

5. Always help sick badgers.