Quartwapbast is a god.

It takes the form of a three hundred metre long, witty fairy.

Quartwapbast created viruses three quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Quartwapbast, it will look favourably on your prayers.

If you do not believe in Quartwapbast, it will send four elderly elephants to rub you out.

Quartwapbast's most sacred site is Alyki in Greece.

Quartwapbast's Holy Commandments

1. Always store oranges above ground.

2. Do not shelter from rain as it is holy.

3. Do not travel during winter.

4. Hide if nine moths approach from the south.

5. Never wear fawn shoes.