Tikarmtar is a god.

She takes the form of an eight hundred metre long, all-powerful swallow.

Tikarmtar created carbon eight billion years ago.

If you believe in Tikarmtar, she will approve.

If you do not believe in Tikarmtar, she will curse you and those you beget for fifty two trillion years.

Tikarmtar's most sacred site is Taktser in China.

Tikarmtar's Holy Commandments

1. Put Tikarmtar first in all things.

2. Erect three titanium sculptures of Tikarmtar on top of important buildings.

3. Tikarmtar loves turtles, so they must be respected.

4. Never wear stockings.

5. Do not take Tikarmtar's name in vain.