Dussquafzen is a god.

He takes the form of a very heavy, witless monkey.

Dussquafzen created carbon five quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Dussquafzen, he will be very happy.

If you do not believe in Dussquafzen, he will not care.

Dussquafzen's most sacred site is Oppin in Germany.

Dussquafzen's Holy Commandments

1. Never write about ribonucleic acid.

2. Never wear cyan dresses on sacred days.

3. Always count to eight before sleeping.

4. Do not shave your face.

5. Do not shelter from rain as it is holy.