Bimnak Jabvagnan is a god.

It takes the form of a very small, temperamental snail.

Bimnak Jabvagnan created humanity nine billion years ago.

If you believe in Bimnak Jabvagnan, it will give you lots of grapes.

If you do not believe in Bimnak Jabvagnan, it will send you a strongly worded letter.

Bimnak Jabvagnan's most sacred site is Wukan in China.

Bimnak Jabvagnan's Holy Commandments

1. Doors are unholy and should not be erected.

2. Never feed cucumbers to frogs while wearing scarves.

3. Never play with disobedient children.

4. Always cleanse oil with water.

5. Do not wear nickel on your body.