Bifjopquat is a god.

She takes the form of a very fat, vain beaver.

Bifjopquat created dark energy eight million years ago.

If you believe in Bifjopquat, she will celebrate by creating some galaxies.

If you do not believe in Bifjopquat, she will send four elderly elephants to rub you out.

Bifjopquat's most sacred site is Karikalampakkam in India.

Bifjopquat's Holy Commandments

1. Run away from orange tapirs, for they are unholy.

2. Always make a point of helping unfortunate porpoises.

3. Retreat if eight badgers approach from the south.

4. Do not eat melons.

5. Always cleanse your hands after touching carbon.