Quamrutquaf is a god.

She takes the form of a seven thousand metre long, emotional troll.

Quamrutquaf created a down quark two billion years ago.

If you believe in Quamrutquaf, she will make you lucky.

If you do not believe in Quamrutquaf, she will hide angry, poisonous spiders in your dwelling place.

Quamrutquaf's most sacred site is Nakke in Denmark.

Quamrutquaf's Holy Commandments

1. Always keep your back turned to the north at sunset.

2. Run away from brown whales, for they are unholy.

3. Treat sacred texts with the utmost of respect.

4. Never gather four tapirs near doors.

5. Paint representations of stars on the walls of your dwelling place.