Natjamquam Ontcipbed is a god.

He takes the form of a blubbery, dishonourable monkey.

Natjamquam Ontcipbed created the planet Venus eight thousand years ago.

If you believe in Natjamquam Ontcipbed, he will make you lucky.

If you do not believe in Natjamquam Ontcipbed, he will be very sad.

Natjamquam Ontcipbed's most sacred site is Bertkow in Germany.

Natjamquam Ontcipbed's Holy Commandments

1. Never eat bark.

2. Never handle platinum while unclean.

3. Never point your hands toward the south during prayer.

4. Natjamquam Ontcipbed loves tapirs, so they must be honoured.

5. Never talk about the strong nuclear force near foxes while wearing magenta coats.