Nulquagmob Nelveg is a god.

She takes the form of a very heavy, astonishing zebra.

Nulquagmob Nelveg created snails seven quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Nulquagmob Nelveg, she will give you a massive pile of rare-earth elements.

If you do not believe in Nulquagmob Nelveg, she will turn you into a goat.

Nulquagmob Nelveg's most sacred site is Crugybar in Wales.

Nulquagmob Nelveg's Holy Commandments

1. Walk at least four thousand metres per day.

2. Never tolerate cries in holy places.

3. Never eat green fruit.

4. Never paint your face white.

5. Never touch oil while unclean.