Taplamhiv is a god.

He takes the form of an eight hundred metre long, humorless zebra.

Taplamhiv created light two quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Taplamhiv, he will look after you all your life.

If you do not believe in Taplamhiv, he will send you a strongly worded letter.

Taplamhiv's most sacred site is Goldcliff in Wales.

Taplamhiv's Holy Commandments

1. Do not covet oxen.

2. Never talk about nebulae.

3. Heed all signs.

4. Do not speak sacred words in winter.

5. You must love Taplamhiv.