Barnwithimtun is a god.

He takes the form of an exceedingly fat, selfish whale.

Barnwithimtun created bats seven thousand years ago.

If you believe in Barnwithimtun, he will grant you five wishes.

If you do not believe in Barnwithimtun, he will send two she bears to sort you out.

Barnwithimtun's most sacred site is Meidrim in Wales.

Barnwithimtun's Holy Commandments

1. Never touch blood while blessed.

2. Never play with disobedient children.

3. Never fashion tools from wood.

4. Never gather three cats near wells.

5. Never think about spacetime near manatees while wearing pink hats and balancing seven titanium spheres on your face.