Futcadteen is a god.

He takes the form of a rotund, all-knowing lobster.

Futcadteen created the planet Saturn eight million years ago.

If you believe in Futcadteen, he will be shocked.

If you do not believe in Futcadteen, he will send twenty two thousand, three hundred, and seventy eight badgers to sort you out.

Futcadteen's most sacred site is Polagam in India.

Futcadteen's Holy Commandments

1. Never talk about spacetime near hamsters while wearing turquoise rings and balancing seven copper spheres on your legs.

2. Respect your elders.

3. Never prepare wheat during winter.

4. Always act with purity when addressing children.

5. Draw representations of comets on the walls of your dwelling place.