Tarpbomgofkad is a god.

He takes the form of a gargantuan, witless guinea pig.

Tarpbomgofkad created dark matter two years ago.

If you believe in Tarpbomgofkad, he will grant your every wish.

If you do not believe in Tarpbomgofkad, he will destroy your home planet.

Tarpbomgofkad's most sacred site is Gassin in France.

Tarpbomgofkad's Holy Commandments

1. Always share aubergines with strangers, but never with hamsters.

2. Never sprint near doves.

3. You must pray to Tarpbomgofkad seven times a day.

4. Doors are unholy and should not be erected.

5. Never look at black holes.