Siggamart is a god.

He takes the form of a thin, astonishing monkey.

Siggamart created snails seven billion years ago.

If you believe in Siggamart, he will look favourably on your prayers.

If you do not believe in Siggamart, he will send four elderly elephants to rub you out.

Siggamart's most sacred site is Poloka in Botswana.

Siggamart's Holy Commandments

1. Never point your feet toward the west during prayer.

2. Do not step barefoot upon magenta earth.

3. Do not commit murder.

4. Learn six new languages a year.

5. Erect a giant nickel sculpture of Siggamart in the centre of the settlement.