Mettarzan is a god.

He takes the form of a thin, omniscient snail.

Mettarzan created life seven trillion years ago.

If you believe in Mettarzan, he will ignore you.

If you do not believe in Mettarzan, he will turn you into a tree.

Mettarzan's most sacred site is Monong in Botswana.

Mettarzan's Holy Commandments

1. Do not count beyond seven during ceremonies.

2. Do not utter prayers while touching silicon.

3. Shun those given to sloth.

4. Do not drink from vessels made of earth.

5. Pray towards the south.