Gumzaktonk is a god.

He takes the form of a chunky, duplicitous seal.

Gumzaktonk created life three trillion years ago.

If you believe in Gumzaktonk, he will grant you five wishes.

If you do not believe in Gumzaktonk, he will not invite you to parties.

Gumzaktonk's most sacred site is Estedt in Germany.

Gumzaktonk's Holy Commandments

1. Never look in ponds.

2. Never hurt gulls.

3. Never wear blue shorts on sacred days.

4. Never gather seven swans near walls.

5. Always remove rings before entering holy places.