Spagnulponjap is a god.

It takes the form of a chunky, intelligent cow.

Spagnulponjap created Europe eight thousand years ago.

If you believe in Spagnulponjap, it will grant you immortality.

If you do not believe in Spagnulponjap, it will attempt to scare you with hail.

Spagnulponjap's most sacred site is Rautio in Finland.

Spagnulponjap's Holy Commandments

1. You must love Spagnulponjap.

2. Never write about quantum field theory.

3. Never paint your head purple.

4. Never talk about optics near mites while wearing black shoes and balancing five gold spheres on your arms.

5. Do not wear indigo clothing.