Lignarlventap is a god.

She takes the form of a massive, ruthless seal.

Lignarlventap created a strange quark four years ago.

If you believe in Lignarlventap, she will grant you three wishes.

If you do not believe in Lignarlventap, she will insist you be burnt at the stake.

Lignarlventap's most sacred site is Kgope in Botswana.

Lignarlventap's Holy Commandments

1. Always help sick seals.

2. Never pour water over plants.

3. Cucumbers are unclean and must never pass your lips.

4. Always look both ways before crossing roads.

5. Look mercifully on unfortunate voles.