Quartnulquart is a god.

She takes the form of an eight hundred metre long, narcissistic crab.

Quartnulquart created gold six trillion years ago.

If you believe in Quartnulquart, she will ignore you forever.

If you do not believe in Quartnulquart, she will boil you in a big pot.

Quartnulquart's most sacred site is Nakke in Denmark.

Quartnulquart's Holy Commandments

1. Quartnulquart must be the most important thing in your life.

2. Your children must be taught to worship Quartnulquart.

3. Do not hurt rats.

4. Never write about amino acids.

5. Always pray in complete darkness.