Jabvengan Jarnmadnurl is a god.

It takes the form of a nine thousand metre long, dishonourable mongoose.

Jabvengan Jarnmadnurl created the universe eight million years ago.

If you believe in Jabvengan Jarnmadnurl, it will make you immortal.

If you do not believe in Jabvengan Jarnmadnurl, it will send four elderly elephants to rub you out.

Jabvengan Jarnmadnurl's most sacred site is Minnigaff in Scotland.

Jabvengan Jarnmadnurl's Holy Commandments

1. Seals are not to be trusted.

2. Show mercy to disobedient children.

3. Never paint your neck violet.

4. Never go into brown rooms.

5. Jabvengan Jarnmadnurl loves shrews, so they must be honoured.