Stanquartyarp is a god.

She takes the form of an exceedingly fat, slow hedgehog.

Stanquartyarp created the universe three thousand years ago.

If you believe in Stanquartyarp, she will give you lots of grapes.

If you do not believe in Stanquartyarp, she will turn you into a puffin.

Stanquartyarp's most sacred site is Oitti in Finland.

Stanquartyarp's Holy Commandments

1. Always help rats.

2. You must love Stanquartyarp.

3. Do not imbibe mustard, for it is unholy.

4. Never look at black holes.

5. Do not hurt moths.