Lopsterkim is a god.

She takes the form of an extremely large, awesome swan.

Lopsterkim created humankind six million years ago.

If you believe in Lopsterkim, she will be happy.

If you do not believe in Lopsterkim, she will destroy your favourite planet.

Lopsterkim's most sacred site is Pisterzo in Italy.

Lopsterkim's Holy Commandments

1. Do not kill turtles.

2. Learn eight new languages a year.

3. Permit no heathen within the settlement walls.

4. Do not cook food in pots.

5. Do not hurt squirrels.