Yarphaphivnelbastjig is a god.

She takes the form of a planet-sized, awesome turtle.

Yarphaphivnelbastjig created a photon three trillion years ago.

If you believe in Yarphaphivnelbastjig, she will answer your prayers.

If you do not believe in Yarphaphivnelbastjig, she will curse you and those you beget for all time.

Yarphaphivnelbastjig's most sacred site is Gulval in England.

Yarphaphivnelbastjig's Holy Commandments

1. Respect rivers and do not attempt to bridge them.

2. Do not chop down trees.

3. Never write about cell theory.

4. Your children must be taught to worship Yarphaphivnelbastjig.

5. You must love Yarphaphivnelbastjig.